My mother tongue is ''English''

And it is me back again, and am thinking like ''you are all doing just fine''. As for me i cant complain. Well I know if you are here for the first time you are probably wondering what the .... is happening here. The tormenting of the queens language is horrendous i tell you. Don't you worry, am doing that deliberately to show you how we ''some Kenyans'' have turned the language into something that cannot be defined. well lets just call it ''uptown english'' in swahili we would say ''Ingo ya tao'' - well that's not swa - should be something like this ''Kimombo cha mjini''!!! ama?

Today am writing about the english we Nairobians use. Chaps in Kisumu have a good command of the Queens language - anyway as a matter of fact they are Luopeans. Mombasa peeps use the best language in East Africa - Kiswahili mufti which is very juicy, us guys from Bara always want to imitate them as soon as we are passed Mtito Andei headed to coast. We've taken english mixed it with Kiswahili, topped up with Sheng and marinated it with our mother tongue. Trust me we use the corrupted version everywhere, in the office, meetings social gathering, abroad and local. Sample this: Terrorising English the Kenyan way:

''I will be there like in 5 minutes
Me am going to just tell her off kwani
Aki I cant hear you properly
Did you carry that bag the one we bought
You know it was me who was like going to see him
C then i waited for like 20 minutes, He kujas and am like what ...
Aki for real am so serious
Aki I swear''

Am privileged to work in an environment where we have guys (abasungu - as we would call them in our mother tongue) who understand one language - English. And I've found myself unleash some of the phrases listed above. At times the chaps will tell you ''sorry, say that again'' they do so while leaning forward. And yeah...that's when you realize that you just threw in a swahili word. This vice is now too common such that everyone is comfortably sucked into it, even our bosses.

You can comfortably communicate with an adult using this corrupted version of english. It is more worse when you try to have a conversion with a chap who is 16yrs and below. They are the linguistics corruption masters. You will need a bridge graduate (17 - 20yrs) to comprehend for you. If anyone of you has a brother/sister who is in high school I will ask you to get me a copy of an english composition from them. Lets compare this with our past composition - well when I say ''we'' am talking about us guys who cleared our KCSE in the year 2002 going back - No pun intended.....hehehe!

Now if you are a victim and you are a fan of Black-American movies (I don't know what they are called) where they use some funny english, add to it the love for West African ''Nollywood'' one can only imagine the type of language you would speak -- Honestly, we cant refer to it as English.

Am not saying am doing better neither am I implying that I have a good command of the queens language - am probably doing an average rated english.

The more I write the more I realise my english is improving; lol but I use some weird structures .....

Please re-read your email before you press ''SEND'' - I know of someone who used a hashtag in an email - twitter influence.

Ernie.